There is a lot of anger in the world. We get mad about traffic, we get mad about politics, we get mad about the price of Gin... There's a lot to be grumpy about nowadays.
When Curt got his diagnosis, there was a lot of anger from me; a lot of angry questions: Why us, why now, what was going to happen... When Amelia was born, I was angry because Curt was so tired he couldn't help that much. When Curt's catheter was fitted, I was angry because he couldn't hold her for two weeks while he healed. When he was on dialysis, I was angry because he couldn't get up with her in the night. Now he's had his transplant he can't lift anything for six weeks, so there's not a lot he can do right now. Guess what? I'm miffed.
While I know I'm well within my rights to be peeved about all of this, I don't want to mis-direct the anger anymore. I know Curt has been around for a lot of my annoyance purely because he's been there, just flipping sat there with his new flipping organ, too flipping fragile to pick up the flipping car seat... I understand that this it not his fault, it's just a massive flipping inconvenience.
So... I have been trying to put more of a positive spin on things, sort of conditioning myself to be a more optimistic person. Here are some examples to try yourself if you're feeling particularly irate:
When you feel this:
"FFS child has filled nappy, spewed all over me, filled nappy AGAIN and will not sit still for love nor money and it's only half past 5 in the cuffing morning!"
"Well, I've had seven hours' sleep, which is perfectly ample to survive on. My darling child is really very active and bushy tailed this morning, it's great to see!
When you want to say this:
"You chuffing arsehole, would it kill you to check the stupid laundry basket to see if it is full and then put your stupid dirty golf trousers and a few other bits in the stupid bloody washing machine so that I don't have to do ev-er-eeee-thing in this stupid bloody house all the stupid bloody time!?!
"I know you've had a long day babes, but could you please put a wash on while I walk the dog so I can get tea straight on for us when I come back? Thanks so much darling!"
When you feel like this:
"Oh my god, why the hell did I have to be a woman with the stupid boobs and the stupid periods and the stupid childbirth that wrecks your body and leaves your stomach looking like a stupid deflated hot air balloon?"
Look at it like this:
"You created life you absolute chuffing LEGEND. Look at your baby now - just look at them. That perfect little thing just sitting there eating it's own sock and giggling is YOURS. You made that. How chuffing amazing are you?"
And when life slaps you in the face with something like Kidney Disease, look at all the amazing work being done by the medical teams fighting CKD right now. Look at everyone who volunteers to be a live donor. Look at your family who, even though they may grumble about it, are fighting like hell right there with you.
When it all comes down to it, my husband was given a new start at life when he got his new kidney, and while life with this illness and a sprog can get pretty frustrating (I'm writing this covered in vomit, but I've run out of clean clothes, FFS... ahem... I mean... my baby is poorly, but at least I've been able to write this while she sleeps it off poor thing), I really can't be angry about anything to do with that.